To heck with everything (Poem)

There is this darkness in me

This pain rooted so deeply

It intertwines with my identity

I don’t know where I end and where it begins

I suppose it started when the masks fell

When as a child I could see what I wasn’t meant to

My discernment became my doom

I was too smart to fool

And that was my burden

I am all grown now, a woman the world tells to let go

And yet as a child I had to hold on

And my truth to bear? That I can’t make space for someone else

I am being loud for if not I will be lying to myself

All that I was constructed to want: a home, a husband and children,

Is all I had to destroy within me, for desire was my shortcut to disappointment?

I am not what I should be, I am who I decided to be

For that was all the control I had

To love the far beyond, for what was near was chaos

To look out to the horizons for the shores were bloody

It’s like a spear imbedded in my soul, I cannot see myself in that haven

I long for what disgusts me

I wonder if there is a remedy to it, for I see how deep the roots go

I want to forfeit a future I have no energy to hope for

I am shattered and broken, for one day they came and took my trust

And my faith to believe that the one from above could restore

I know with the words that come out of my mouth, maybe I am sealing my fate

To a life of loneliness, to never know what intimacy means

But the intensity of what I have carried for so long is all I am able to feel.

UBB

THE PICTURE IS FROM PINTEREST