To heck with everything (Poem)

There is this darkness in me

This pain rooted so deeply

It intertwines with my identity

I don’t know where I end and where it begins

I suppose it started when the masks fell

When as a child I could see what I wasn’t meant to

My discernment became my doom

I was too smart to fool

And that was my burden

I am all grown now, a woman the world tells to let go

And yet as a child I had to hold on

And my truth to bear? That I can’t make space for someone else

I am being loud for if not I will be lying to myself

All that I was constructed to want: a home, a husband and children,

Is all I had to destroy within me, for desire was my shortcut to disappointment?

I am not what I should be, I am who I decided to be

For that was all the control I had

To love the far beyond, for what was near was chaos

To look out to the horizons for the shores were bloody

It’s like a spear imbedded in my soul, I cannot see myself in that haven

I long for what disgusts me

I wonder if there is a remedy to it, for I see how deep the roots go

I want to forfeit a future I have no energy to hope for

I am shattered and broken, for one day they came and took my trust

And my faith to believe that the one from above could restore

I know with the words that come out of my mouth, maybe I am sealing my fate

To a life of loneliness, to never know what intimacy means

But the intensity of what I have carried for so long is all I am able to feel.

UBB

THE PICTURE IS FROM PINTEREST

I was told (POEM)

I was told

Five years ago, I said I was told

Of how you shall waltz in my life

I remember that walk, the final minute that sealed my fate to yours

I can see it, under the scorching sun as I made my way home

An entire day of seeing you, and yet thought you were but a passing train

Never to halt at my platform

The almighty spoke, and I turned numb

Life had made me believe a lie

To embrace the idea that love was never meant for me

Love took everything from me

In the past it came like a beast with gifts

A slap followed with an embrace

I was eighteen when I decided a man had no place in my life

It was never personal, it was just one last attempt

To salvage my dignity, my self-respect had been trumped on

And so my pride stood tall, for that was all I had

Years have gone by, growth came to me too slow

But stayed like beloved guest. I still don’t know what shall be

My spirit hums to the tune of yours

And yet we sat next to each other as you avoided my gaze.

I want you on the occasion it doesn’t hurt

You are not some consolation prize, for that I submit to heaven

To become a person that will receive your love and not push it away

Just so when you ask me my forever, I will give it without looking back

I know you are not a ghost from the past, but my mind is but time a traveling machine

That holds no space for the present.

BY UBB

NOT THE PICTURE THOUGH

DEDICATED TO IRR

MY DIVERGENCE (POEM)

I have a divergent mind

That should sum it up right?

Who you think I'm

But it doesn't

Not even a fraction of it

It just means I feel deeply

And so I have to know my halts

For spiraling can be constant

My space is my stand

Just so your world won't engulf mine

My big is nothing to y'all

But I'm learning to live with that

You won't hear "are you okay" from me

But I will cook for you every night

I will remember what you wore the first time we met

I will walk in your shoes, as mine collects dust

I will never walk away first, but once I do it's forever

Heartless you say? No, It's survival

For I see worlds you will never see

And If I don't let go, they shall collide

I'm not sorry

Your typical was a language I loved to learn

But my writing was never what I had to sit in a class for

It's my advocacy and compass

A place to make it all about me for once

For my head can't allow it

As my mornings are filled with my worries for others.

To know that my middle ground is your far end

My perimeters seem like walls to y'all

I'm at my last straw

For who I'm, you sum it up in a diagnosis

And so my loud and clear is in these words

But even that you won't be able to see it.

UBB